mulai 1996 hingga detik ini

Aku meraba namamu diatas batu nisan macam tuna netra membaca huruf Braille
Aku iba pada mataku yang terus diburai oleh air mata yang tidak mau berhenti
Aku ngeri pada tubuhku yang sibuk bergetar mengingat apa yang telah terjadi antara kita berdua selama 1996 - 2006
Aku mulas membayangkan seberapa banyak kejadian hebat yang sudah kita lalui bersama
Kini ketika setelah 2 tahun aku tidak pernah mengetuk ‘rumah’ mu
Aku tersadar sudah
Aku rindu kamu di belantara badaiku

Karena kamu adalah jiwaku
Karena kamu adalah deritaku
Karena kamu adalah persembahan sekaligus pengorbananku
Karena kamu adalah laki-laki yang aku cintai melebihi apapun di dunia ini melebihi kecintaanku pada diriku sendiri
Dan karena kamu aku tidak mampu lagi mencintai
Persediaan cintaku telah tandas
Telah kau reguk hingga ludas

Aku akui ketika mengurai air mata di atas ’rumah’ mu
Betapa luar biasanya kisah perang dan bendera putih antara kita
Aliran listrik trilyunan watt
Cinta terberat yang dipenjara oleh candu
Pengorbanan yang absolut

Aku iri kamu sudah merdeka
Sementara aku belum
Aku sampaikan salam dari perempuan mu yang kedua setelah aku,
Apakah kamu dengar ketika aku sampaikan dalam bisikku?

Aku membayangkan tanganmu yang magis itu menyentuh kulitku
Tidak seperti ketika kita pertama kali berkenalan
Karena kau memilih cara yang unik untuk menyampaikan salam
Kau hanya berikan sebuah lukisan, puisi, buah apel dan secarik kertas bertuliskan, ”Bidadari, boleh aku kenal kamu?”
Dan seketika itu kau sudah memiliki hatiku

Seketika itu aku tahu kau sudah memiliki hatiku
Dan maut menjemputmu pada 23 Mei 2006 dariku
Dan kita, pasangan kriminal yang saling memuja satu sama lain berpisah tidak lagi satu
Tidak lagi jadi candu

Tidak lagi satu
Hanya aku
Aku


Jakarta, 31 Desember 2008
Pk. 16.28 WIB
Kembali ke kotak inspirasiku, Nawi!
Kerinduan akan dia di belantara badaiku ...

When ICE CUBE meets SODA CAN (Part one)

Ice cube: You told me that I’m cold. It’s not what I want. I tell you what I want. Dance!
Ice cube: I am running amidst the gust of wind, through the gale, and crying in the hold of rain.
Ice cube: Do you think I want that? Hell no! This is my fate, the nature told to me.
Ice cube: And I’m still here pacing with my bare feet and playing with the devil. Can I still be…extreme?
Soda can: Do you know that my heart’s lantern is laughing at me?
Soda can: Two, four, and even more than ten times she’s laughing at me.
Soda can: I don’t even know what makes her so ticklish.
Soda can: I know that she knows that I don’t know on her knowledge-ness.
Soda can: And it brought me to you.
Soda can: Something that comb me with millions of queries.
Ice cube: Your laugh, Soda can, is not something that I would like to know.
Ice cube: It’s used for me to know whether you recognize and ultimately understand on what happened to me, however.
Soda can: Can you tell me each and every single thing that happened to you?
Soda can: Fate, the nature told to you? I don’t believe that. I just don’t buy that.
Soda can: Prove it to me that you are really able to make me understand and finally understand you.
Soda can: To understand that what happened to you will make me…
Soda can: Believe.
Ice cube: Later, the time shall come when I liquefy myself in my own mouth.
Ice cube: Just wait until the last gnaw.
Ice cube: Just wait until everything ends with the melted ice.
Ice cube: When my heart is dissolved together with the rising sun.
Soda can: I want to hold you.
Soda can: Before you liquefy yourself in your mouth.
Soda can: I want you, melted in my body.
Soda can: In my Soda can.
Soda can: In my Soda can.
Soda can: I don’t want you to be an ice cube which liquefy and dissolve with no meaning and purpose.
Ice cube: What kind of soda are you anyhow?
Ice cube: What do you have for me as an ice cube?
Soda can: I may not the finest soda.
Soda can: But what I know is that I need you because I will become into an unadorned entity if frostiness does not embrace me.
Soda can: And you may pass away in just second counts of your life in the process of melt,
Soda can: If you do not melt within me.
Soda can: You know what? I always look at your refrigerator,
Soda can: Always look at the light inside your refrigerator,
Soda can: And I always…amazed.
Soda can: And you always denied the existence of such light within yourself.
Soda can: I was also bemused to know the fact that some time ago you have conveyed your coldness to a piece of meat inside your refrigerator.
Soda can: Do you know the word jealous?
Soda can: I was jealous when you picked the meat instead of me.
Ice cube: Jealous?
Ice cube: Jealousy kills.
Ice cube: Kills?
Ice cube: Kills!
Ice cube: Jealous!!
Ice cube: l.o.v.e.
Ice cube: Spell that word.
Ice cube: s.o.d.a
Ice cube: Try to spell that.
Ice cube: f.e.e.l.
Ice cube: Try to spell that.
Ice cube: j.e.a.l.o.u.s.y.
Ice cube: Why don’t you ask that?
Ice cube: w.h.y.
Soda can: Why should I always the first one to answer all of your questions?
Soda can: Why don’t you be the one to start explaining everything?
Soda can: Is it because you’re cold?
Soda can: so that you can do anything like that?
Soda can: Make me the Soda can feel…jealous.
Soda can: You think you can do anything including dissolve with another ice cube and turned out into a bigger one?
Soda can: And reigns upon your refrigerator?
Soda can: You are not even greater than the cold wind, you know.
Soda can: It just that you are...
Soda can: Corporeal.
Ice cube: I am not a devil.
Ice cube: I am an ice cube, solid, fragile, frosty, and sub-zero.
Soda can: Ah, none of any persona in this idyllic sphere
Soda can: In this nature, quoting yours
Soda can: That can claim herself as a God
Soda can: And thus, none of any persona in this world as well can claim as a devil
Soda can: Either, not a devil.
Soda can: Even if you are a devil, however, I still can enjoy your addictive coldness.
Ice cube: Spell that one.
Ice cube: a.d.d.i.c.t.i.v.e.
Ice cube: Spell.
Ice cube: i.c.e. c.u.b.e.

Between Kuala Lumpur and Jakarta
2Gemini
26-27 December 2008
When ICE CUBE meets SODA CAN (Part one)

My own language

I am sorry I can’t explicate in a better manner
I am sorry I have a limitation in stating things
I have my own vocabulary for things that I perfectly can’t state
I even don’t have the key for my soundless mouth

If I went away from you
After midnight
If I didn’t came back
After midnight
If I’d prefer to ignore you
Would you please forgive me?

It’s just a language of goodbye
It’s just a language of love
It’s just a language of sweet memory

We should be grateful
We have our own memory in our memory

One day
I accept as true
You’ll find me in a grey spot
Smoking
Watching you
Enjoying you
With my blurry wings
And wave you the sweetest kiss you’ve never had before

It’s just a language of goodbye
It’s just a language of love
It’s just a language of sweet memory

We should be grateful
We have our own memory in our memory

I have my own language to illustrate love
It won’t be easy
But believe in me
It won’t be that absurd
Only for things that I perfectly can’t state



Language after midnite
December 27, 2008
02.45
Kuala Lumpur

Gifted

Don’t notify me you’re gifted to understand
For the reason that you don’t

You don’t have to wait until I articulate what you’ve waited
Because my eyes are gifted to inform you the whole thing
The question is, if I explained, can you assist me discover a path to go away to a place that I call ‘self’ ….

December 26, 2008
Kuala Lumpur
00.50

Benak yang sibuk

Bukan karena ku takut salah
Mestinya ini bukan ketakutan
Aku hanya sibuk merasa

Semua binar yang aku temukan dalam matamu
Membuatku resah
Kamu berhasil membuatku jengah

Aku tidak akan menduga (kali ini)
Aku tidak akan menerka apa dibalik pikiranmu
Aku memilih untuk tidak dipilih

Karena aku sibuk belajar
Belajar mencernamu

Apakah kamu masih sibuk menahan rasamu padaku?


Lanson Place Apartment
Kuala Lumpur
Bilik
Penuh otakku, isi kamu!
Jangan tanya kenapa ...
Pk. 18.49